Live No Evil
by Lady Of The Semicolons
Summary: Just as things start going Ganondorf's way, something very odd happens...


A/N: Once upon a time, in an age when Fanfiction looked very different than it does now, the Lady of the Semicolons had a conversation with LittleBlueNayru. And it was soon established that weird, bad, and chaotic things happen when Lotus and Nayru give each other ideas. One of them being this, which was inspired by that conversation.

* * *

An imposing figure took step after regal step up to the rubble that was once Hyrule Castle. A cruel, cold-hearted smile crept across the man's face. "I've finally done it," he declared quietly. "Hyrule is mine."

He let the words linger, savoring them. As the moments went by, exultation continued to build. Triumph. Victory. He smiled. Unable to contain the elation any longer, the man laughed, and shouted, "May the world fall to its knees and cower at my absolute might! I am Ganondorf! I am the wielder of absolute power! I possess the power of the gods themselves! The _gods themselves!_ Nothing, I repeat, _nothing_ is capable of standing against me!"

Ganondorf threw his head back and laughed. "!AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH"

The King of Evil paused. That was odd… something seemed off about his laughter. But he shrugged it off. He took a deep breath.

"!em rednih ot elba eb lliw sredleiw ecrofirT rehto eht neve toN !trapa dnal siht fo snoitadnuof yrev eht dner lliw I ,dnah ym ni rewoP fo ecrofirT eht htiW .eluryH weN a fo nwad eht si sihT .nopu neddort eb ot tsud ,tsud tub gnihton si eluryH dlO .elbappotsnu ma I tuB .em pots ot elba neeb evah dluow yeht ,elur ot tif neeb yeht daH .stoidi tfos tub gnihton erew dnal siht elur ot thgir rieht gnimialc sloof esohT …won kool tuB .lla meht fo wollefdeb eht saw I …esuba ,sreens ,nrocS .derudne evah I spihsdrah ynam oS"

A twisted grin.

"!AH !AH !AH !AH !AH !AH"

Ganondorf paused. "…ddo s'taht ...tiaW" He froze. "?lleh eht tahW"

".frodnonaG .sI .emaN .yM .frodnonaG si eman yM" There was another pause.

"!SDRAWKCAB GNIKLAT M'I"

Dignity forgotten, the Gerudo King began running in circles in a fashion similar to a headless Cucco. "!KCUF KCUF! KCUF!"

A few "!KCUF"s later, the King decided to cease. ".doog ton si …sihT"

How on earth had this happened? And how was he supposed to fix this? He groaned, putting his head in his hands.

"Master…" came a low voice. An Iron Knuckle slowly made his way up to Ganondorf and saluted. "Are there any further orders you have for us?"

"...rrrE" said Ganondorf. ".meht etanimile ,yna dnif uoy fI .ylimaF layoR eht troppus llits taht stnaercsim gniregnil yna rof ytic eht peews dna tuo naF"

"Umm…" said the Iron Knuckle, " could you repeat that?"

"…uryaN fo evol eht rof ho …rof ytic eht peews dna tuo naF"

The Iron Knuckle was quite understandably confused.

"!YNNUF .toN .sI .sihT... !meht lliK !meht dniF !elpoep ehT !HAG"

"…You want us to summon your mothers?"

The King of Evil started hopping up and down in a decidedly unKingly-like fashion. "_!ON _!ON !ON !ON !ON !ON !ON !ON !ON !ON !ON !ON"

"Um…" the Iron Knuckle started inching away, completely nonplussed at the way his master was behaving.

Ganondorf roared in frustration, and the Iron Knuckle ran off as swiftly as possible, clanking till he was out of sight.

"…esu eht s'tahw ,ho …ot uoy tnaw I !ereh kcab teG !oN" He sighed. "?woh tub …siht xif ot evah I" He sat down on the ruins of the castle and contemplated. "…kniht ,frodnonaG ,knihT" he said to himself, though he found it was quite annoying to think aloud when the words converted themselves into gibberish.

He racked his brain in hopes of finding a solution, but as hard as he tried, he couldn't think of anything. He'd never heard of such an inane, bizarre occurrence before. And it wasn't like he even know how it happened!

"...no gniog si kcuf eht tahw dnatsrednu t'nod I" he said aloud.

"Oh GANONDORF!" came a pair of voices.

"...sesseddog eerht eht fo evol eht rof hO" said Ganondorf.

Two hideous old hags flew into view. Koume and Kotake were the Gerudo King's surrogate mothers, and, in the Gerudo King's mind, the less time spent around them, the better. That Iron Knuckle was a dead, dead, deaaaad person. Thing. Whatever they actually were.

"You summoned us, Ganondorf?" asked Koume.

Ganondorf shook his head.

"But we were told you had asked for us," objected Kotake.

Ganondorf shook his head again.

There isn't a problem, is there?" asked Koume.

Ganondorf shook his head a third time.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Kotake asked.

Ganondorf gritted his teeth, reluctant to reveal the malady to them.

"Are you ill, Ganondorf?" questioned Koume with concern. "Ought we make you one of our homemade potions with—"

"!ON" yelled Ganondorf in frustration.

Both witches stared in confusion. "Eh?" they asked at the same time.

Ganondorf shook his head again. His surrogate mothers narrowed their eyes. "Tell us what is going on, Ganondorf," said Kotake.

"And don't you be shaking your head again," added Koume.

The Gerudo King was pissed, but he had no other option but to reveal his condition. He sighed before stating, ".sdrawkcab gnieb pu sdne htuom ym fo tuo semoc taht gnihtyreve tub ,yhw wonk t'nod I"

Koume and Kotake stared. "Eh?" they both said again.

"!SDRAWKCAB"

"Don't you be using that tone with us, young man!"

"!HAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG"

It took a good three hours before Ganondorf was finally able to successfully convey to them what had happened.

The two witches were as puzzled about it as he was. Kotake said, "This is very strange, isn't it Koume?"

"Indeed it is, Kotake," replied Koume. "I have never heard of such a curious thing."

"But there must be a way to fix it, am I right Koume?"

"With our knowledge of the magical arts, I'm sure we can find a way, Kotake."

Ganondorf was wishing there was a blunt object nearby that he could bash his head with repeatedly.

"Give us a little time, Great Ganondorf," said Koume. "We will be able to come up with a solution."

Ganondorf nodded, and the two flew off. Some of his mothers' remedies were a bit repulsive, he had to admit, but if they had any means of getting rid of this ridiculous thing, he would gladly take it. In the meantime, he went off to attend to business. But after causing the eighth minion to freak out and run away, he realized that attending to business was easier said than done.

He sincerely hoped Koume and Kotake would be quick.

* * *

"We have discovered a solution, Ganondorf!" Kotake and Koume had cried as they approached him in triumph.

And that was all it had taken for the Gerudo King to find himself in his current predicament.

".htaed gnizinoga ,wols a eid ot gniog si gnihtemos taht denmad dna dercas htob si taht lla yb raews I ,krow t'nseod siht fI" Ganondorf muttered under his breath. "...siht od ot em decnivnoc yeht woh tuo erugif ot gniyrt llits m'I"

He looked to Koume and Kotake, who were standing nearby. "?krow lliw siht erus etiuq er'uoY" Ganondorf asked.

"Eh?" asked the two witches. He smacked himself in the head, and conveyed his question again. And again. Once they understood what he was getting at, Koume said, "Trust us, O Great Ganondorf. This will work. Right Kotake?"

"Indeed," responded Kotake. "You have our utmost assurances."

Ganondorf still had his doubts. After all, he was standing on a hill in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, the moon casting a pale light on everything. Standing stark naked in a barrel of toad intestines.

Koume placed a crown woven of ivy on his head. "Remember, you must stand out here until daybreak."

Kotake said, "And then Koume and I will assist you with the final step."

What this "final step" was, they wouldn't say, except that it was simple. It was also apparently necessary for them to stay with him the whole time—which made things very, very uncomfortable. The air was cold, the contents of the barrel felt disgusting against his skin, and his surrogate mothers were in his presence while he wasn't wearing any clothes.

".kroW .retteB .daH .sihT" he said with gritted teeth.

The hours dragged on. This, Ganondorf decided, was the longest night of his entire life. Day could not come soon enough. When the sun finally appeared on the horizon, it took all of his willpower not to sob, or jump for joy, or shout.

Koume and Kotake exchanged glances, and Ganondorf remembered something else had to be done. He eyed them with slight apprehension. As one, they held their hands out and pushed the barrel with all their might. It fell on its side and began rolling down the hill.

"?tahw ...tiaW" began Ganondorf. The barrel soon picked up speed, until he was rolling so fast he could no longer tell up from down. "!"

"Is he saying what I think he is saying?" asked Kotake.

"I certainly hope not," replied Koume.

The barrel kept rolling until it hit a boulder. The impact broke the barrel and left Ganondorf in a daze.

Koume and Kotake approached him. "You should be cured now," said Koume.

"Speak, just to make sure," said Kotake.

Ganondorf looked up, cross-eyed, and said, "Please make the world stop spinning…"

"SUCCESS!" the two sisters cried out as one, clapping their hands with glee. They continued cheering until they noticed Ganondorf had passed out at that point.

"…We should probably assist him, Kotake."

* * *

The Evil King Ganondorf stood before a window in his newly constructed castle, musing thoughtfully at the darkened sky. His thoughts were interrupted as a messenger entered the room.

"Yes?" Ganondorf asked icily.

"There is… still no word on the whereabouts of the Princess, sir," said the messenger.

Ganondorf cracked his knuckles. "Then why are you here? Tell them to keep at it!" he snarled. The messenger bowed and hurried off, not wanting to be subjected to the King's wrath.

"Idiots," spat Ganondorf once he was alone again. "Is it really that difficult to be reliable? Worthless, the lot of them… I ought to teach them to know better. Don't they know who they're dealing with?"

He started pacing. "...ll'I .sdog eht fo rewop eht sdleiw ohw meht wohs ll'I ...maercs meht ekaM .sevil rieht fo sehcni nihtiw meht taeb ...meht hsarht ot thguo I" He paused.

"!SUOIRES GNIKCUF EB T'NAC UOY HO..."


End file.
